The following joke memo came to us from an unreliable source….

Attention RG Capital Radio Staff

You may have heard, via recent media coverage, that Macquarie Bank is finalising the purchase of the RG Capital Radio Network.

I am writing to assure you, there will only be minimal changes to the day-to-day running of your stations. However, it would be appreciated if all team members could familiarise themselves with the changes, ahead of their implementation in local markets.

These are the main adjustments that team members should be aware of:

1. Once the necessary documents are signed, all
computers (except those in broadcast/technical/finance roles) will be gradually sold off. All affected desks will be modified, to include a plastic pen on a little chain.

2. To increase efficiency, prizes will no longer be distributed from the reception desk at each station.
Following our new technology rollout, prizewinning
listeners will be given a four digit code, and directed to use the APM (autoprize machine) on the outside wall.

3. Extra security measures will be added to all
studios. Should any government minister attempt to approach a microphone..stainless steel screens will thud into place, and a police “autodialler” activated.

4. An executive audit has concluded that photocopier queues have long been a source of staff frustration. Soon, a “rope-and-pole fence” will be installed at all RG radio centres, to ensure timely access for all.

5. At each station, the existing soundproof door to
the voiceover booth will be modified, to include a
gigantic wheel & secret combination.

6. Effective immediately, all station promotional
vehicles (“cruisers”) will cease distributing “Icy
Cold Coca Cola.” As of Monday June 14, lucky listeners will receive a calendar featuring the station logo and a bad quality photograph of a nearby lake/mountain/bridge. (as appropriate)

7. For our stations with an evening “countdown” or
“request” program, CD giveaways will be phased out over the next 6 weeks. Rest assured, we understand the importance of prizes in motivating the younger demographic. In future, your younger prizewinners will vie to win a very collectable plastic moneybox.

8. Should any of our radio stations be situated in
areas where a sister station can also be heard (“service
overlap”) – the smaller location will be closed. Listeners in that area will be encouraged to use NetRadio? or PhoneRadio? instead. Rest assured, all staff from the former radio centre will be redeployed within the network.

Thankyou for your attention to these changes, we look forward to working with you for a bright broadcasting future.

Frank Bugiardo,
Acting CEO, Macquarie Bank Radio Network