John Patkin survives – just. 

Time has become a precious commodity over the past few weeks. A new university semester suddenly erupted and the demands have reduced my radio listening time. I refuse, however, to stop exercising as it helps to relieve stress. So while I make a solitary plod through 45 to 50 kilometres on a treadmill per week, I can still listen to around eight hours of Adelaide radio via the TuneIn Android app in air conditioned comfort.

You would think that would be a pretty safe environment – climate controlled and no interruptions. Wrong!

Witty remarks from James O’Loghlin on ABC Sunday nights, the shenanigans of Merrick, Jules and Rach on Triple M’s Highway Patrol, relationship advice from Ryan Seacrest (left) on the Mix Network, callers to the Rush Hour on Triple M and banter with Peter Goers on ABC Local Radio all conspire to distract me from my straight and very narrow motorized path. I fear I’ll trip and end up on Australia’s Funniest Videos with the audience in stitches as I’m propelled backwards into a heap of tangled extremities.

I have a pretty cool set-up for the treadmill. I use a Bluetooth stereo headset which connects to a waterproof Sony Xperia smartphone. I don’t have to worry about headphone jacks, where to plug in wires and how to connect them to the phone. The only wiring is a very thin cord that runs across the back of my neck connecting the left and right side of the Bluetooth earpieces that have nice wrap-around clips that never pop out. They are weightless and go for hours. The phone sits neatly in one of the compartments near the treadmill display screen.

Wired for sound, I choose my station and I start. My mind and body seem to be over the concept of an inspirational song that could make me run faster and longer. A distraction numbs the pain and the task ahead, so talk or banter seems to do the job. And sometimes it doesn’t.

There I am two k’s in with a bit of rhythm and engaged in the discussion when O’Loghlin (left) announces his back injury has nothing to with his wedding anniversary. He cracks me up. I almost lose my stride as the woman on the next treadmill gives me a strange look. I recover though.

Another day, another few k’s and I am listening to Rach’s Story Time or another edition of Tigerland. Once again, I’m missing steps. I’m sending a psychic message to Triple M to cut to a break because I can’t concentrate. It’s difficult to put one foot in front of another when you’re laughing so hard. And now my hernia is flaring up.

I need to find a safer show. I go to MIX 102.3. Americans are tame. Ryan Seacrest isn’t that funny, right? It’s a canned program, so it’ll just be innocuous gossip. Things are going fine till he takes a call from a newly single woman seeking dating advice. Seacrest ends the conversation with, “You stay on top of it, if you know what I mean.” I’ve lost it again and barely stay on my feet.

Let’s try football. Back to Triple M with Roo and Ditts on the Rush Hour. That should be boring. I mean, how funny can a squash player be? A couple of callers later and a quick quip about Miley Cyrus and I’m looking for the emergency switch on the treadmill again. Perhaps like drink and driving, radio and treadmills don’t mix.

I need something more serious so I turn to Peter Goers on 891 ABC. That should do the trick. But all Goersy wants to talk about today is the fun he’s had judging navel oranges at the Royal Adelaide Show.

A few hours later, having survived the treadmill, I’m talking with a group of students and we’re discussing media use. ‘Hands up who listens to the radio?’ No response. I ask again. No response.

‘Hands up those who use YouTube?’ More than half the hands go up. Are these kids having a boring life, or what? How are they being entertained? Maybe we should export Australian radio – the Culture Boom instead of the Mining Boom.

I spied some waterproof Bluetooth headphones the other day. I wonder what it’s like giggling while tumble-turning… Stay tuned for ‘tales from the lap pool!’

John Patkin is a Senior Consultant at Ergon House www.ergonhouse.com. Dr Patkin has a research background in media use and linguistics and has worked in commercial and public broadcasting.