Brett Debritz vents on the industry he loves
I’ve heard, and said, some pretty stupid things on the radio over the years. Haven’t we all?
We can’t change the past, but we can be hopeful about the future. So, here are some things that I really would like to hear on the radio one day soon:
“If you really think we get this perky in the morning just by drinking products from our sponsor, Coca-Cola, you are very much mistaken.”
“You know what Shazza, I am constantly amazed by the extent to which so many of our listeners are prepared to demean themselves to win a shitty little prize we contra-ed from one of the advertisers.”
“Rather than hook young Darlene and her Mum up to the lie-detector, I’m going to attach it to myself and tell you all what I really think of this grubby, exploitative stunt.”
“If you don’t stop perving at me and making sexist remarks Bazza, I’ll DM those pictures from the last ACRAs after-party to your girlfriend. And your boyfriend.”
“Despite explicit instructions to the contrary from station management, I have decided to henceforth refer to myself by my given name, Michael, rather than the childish epithet of ‘Beano’.”
“For #@+*’s sake, I’m a 40-year-old man. I am not the least bit excited by the fact that the members of a boyband whose name I can’t remember and whose music frankly offends me are coming into the studio this morning, unless I get the chance to kick one of the talentless twerps in the goolies.”
“Cheryl, stop gushing like you’re the only woman in the world who as ever had a baby. If you tell one more cutesy story about your illbegotten offspring, I will projectile vomit over you and the entire studio.”
“This being the ABC, I am not supposed to venture a personal opinion on air, but after that huge load of bollocks you just said Cyril, I’m prepared to risk my career and make an exception.”
“Actually, Bruce of Penrith, you are a hateful, bigoted old man who has never achieved anything of significance in your miserable life and rather than be angry with yourself, you have externalised the blame on people who are making an honest effort to make a go of their lives, and are prepared to risk what little they have to create a brighter future for their families.”
“No caller, I am not interested in your views on climate change, since both you and I will be dead very soon. I’d rather hear what a young person has to say.”
“Who are we kidding, we know most of you are only listening because you like the music.”
“And the whole gang from the station will be at the big listeners’ party on Friday night, even though we’d rather apply a dentist’s drill to our eyeballs.”
“Do you seriously think I would use any of these crap products I endorse on air? I have to put on surgical gloves just to touch the huge wads of cash they pay for me doing the reads.”
“No, by all means, do keep talking Doris. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning, nobody else is listening and, on the money they’re paying me for this casual graveyard shift, I literally do not have a home to go to.”
“I hate you all.”
About the Author
Brett Debritz used to write and talk about showbiz and media, including radio, for well-known Australian publishers and broadcasters. He’s now somewhere near a beach in Thailand creating Australia’s next hit podcast (no, really, hit me up about it, and my other projects) and writing the expattaya.com blog.