Greetings

Welcome to the Weekly Brainteaser from Credo Reference.

This week:   General Knowledge

Here is another of our popular general knowledge quizzes, which test the breadth as well as the depth of your knowledge    

 Questions:  

1. In Charles Perrault’s fairy tale about Cinderella, what vegetable or fruit was turned into a magnificent carriage for her?
2. What was the name of the bald detective played in a TV police series by Telly Savalas in the 1970s?
3. Which group of islands includes Tenerife, Lanzarote and Fuerteventura?
4. Which part of the body is affected by the disease of silicosis?
5. What vegetable is used to make sauerkraut?
6. Was the musical “My Fair Lady” written by Lerner & Loewe, Rodgers & Hart, or Rodgers & Hammerstein?
7. The heads of four American presidents are carved on Mount Rushmore. Name three of these presidents.
8. Was the composer Vivaldi French, Italian or Greek?
9. What pseudonym was generally used by the American writer Samuel Langhorne Clemens?
10. What is the official language of Austria?

Questions set by Tony Augarde www.augardebooks.co.uk

 Answers: 

Find out answers  here  The Friday Brain-teaser is compiled using Credo Reference, an online reference library containing hundreds of searchable and browseable reference titles, audio files and images from reference books by leading publishers. With Credo, you can find accurate answers fast.


Girlie Wisdom!

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… She has 14 children but she doesn’t really care.

2. One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends..

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today…

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my undies.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your wardrobe for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ …..Now, I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day! 


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1) ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’

2) ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’

3) ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’

4) ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’

5) ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.

6) ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’

8) ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause ) ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….’

9) ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’

10) ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’

11) ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’

12) ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’

13) ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause..) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!’

14) ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’ 

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is…

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)  
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker – Billy Connolly.

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
___________________________________________________________

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


PARAPROSDOKIANS…

 

 

(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
  11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
  13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
  21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.
  23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.


Puns to make you cringe…. and laugh!

When chemists die,  they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.    He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea?   Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.    Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.    I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.    It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.    It’s syncing now.

PMS jokes aren’t funny; period!

Why were the Indians here first?   They had reservations.

I didn’t like my beard at first.    Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?     A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have mysteriously vanished.  Now the police  have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.     Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again?  Oh dear!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.


 

Predicted mergers…

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organisation of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally….

9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang


 

STELLA  AWARDS: 

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for 2011:


*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son
 
Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *
 
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.
 
Scratch some more…


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more…
 
Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
 
Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
 
Only two more so ease up on the scratching…


*SECOND PLACE*

 
 
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was:

Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, (are you sitting down?) $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.  


New Words for 2012

* TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

* SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person..

* SWAMP DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person..

* AIRPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You’ve hit ‘reply all’).

* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ‘Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!’.

* MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young  women.

* PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.
——————————————————————————

 

39 things you should have learnt by now…

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a beer  in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places .

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge .

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It’s not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

27. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

38. Your friends love you anyway.

39 . Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 


 

The Philosophy Of Ambiguity….

1.  Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2.  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4.  If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5.  The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6.  I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,  “Where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7.  What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8.  If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9.  If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10.  Is there another word for synonym?
11.  Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
12.  What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13.  If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14.  Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15.  Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16.  If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17.  Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18.  If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19.  Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20.  How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21.  What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22.  One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
23.  Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
24.  Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25.  How is it possible to have a civil war?
26.  If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27.  If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28.  If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29.  Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
30.  Why are haemorrhoids called “haemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
31.  Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
32.  Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33.  If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
34.  Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God

“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there would be a shortage of sand.”

Nobel prize-winning economist Milton Friedman (1912-2006)


 

A nun grading papers…  

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure?
 Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test.

 Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 24 statements about the bible were written by children.
They have not been retouched or corrected; incorrect spelling has been left in.

 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
 4. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
 5. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
 6. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
 7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
 8. The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
 9. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
 10. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
 11. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
 12. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
 13. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
 14. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
 15. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
 16. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
 17. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
 18. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
 19. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
 20. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
 21. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
 22. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
 23. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
 24. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


 

The Laws of Life…

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to go to the bathroom.

2.
Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.
Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.
Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6.
Variation Law –   If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.
Law of the  Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.
Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9.
Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10.
Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.  The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.
The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.
Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.
Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.
Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better..  But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

 


Orstraylian

The  following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked  to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty  definition.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand them!

Billabonk:          to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie:             a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo:      a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum:    good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus:           a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit:           all your flat-mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman:          an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble:              the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker:     a pretentious  drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks:    ‘hipster’ tracksuit  pants.

And for the Kiwis amongst us:

Shornbag:            a particularly attractive naked sheep


Children Are Quick 
____________________________________

 TEACHER:    Why are you late?
 
STUDENT:     Class started before I got here. 
——————————————————–
 TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America      .. 
MARIA:         Here it  is. 
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ? 
CLASS:         Maria. 
____________________________________ 
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ 
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ 
TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong 
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   
(I  Love this child) 
____________________________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:   What are you talking about? 
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.   
 __________________________________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. 
WINNIE:       Me! 
__________________________________________   
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN:          Well, I’m a  lot closer to the ground than you are.   
 _______________________________________
TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘  I.  ‘ 
MILLIE:          I  is.. 
TEACHER:     No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I  am.’ 
MILLIE:         All right…  ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’      
 ________________________________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.   
                       Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? 
LOUIS:           Because George still had  the axe in his hand…..    
 ______________________________________   
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON:         No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.   
 ______________________________ 
TEACHER:       Clyde , your  composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s...   Did you copy his? 
CLYDE     :         No, sir. It’s the same dog.     
(I want to adopt this kid!!!) 
___________________________________
 TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
 are no longer  interested? 
 HAROLD:     A teacher 
 __________________________________ 

 


 

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER……. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT  GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.   WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)


Phoney Phonetic Alphabet

Aphorism

A

a for orses

Beef or Lamb

B

b for mutton

See for Miles

C

c for miles

Defecate

D

d for dumb

Evening Standard

E

e for ning standard

Effervescence

F

f for vessence

Chief of Police

G

g for police

Age of Consent

H

h for consent

Ivor Novello

I

i for vovello

Jaffa Oranges

J

j for oranges

Café or restaurant?

K

k for teria

‘Ell for leather

L

l for leather

Emphasis

M

m for sis

Envelope

N

n for lope

O for the wings of a Dove

O

o for the wings of a dove

Performing fleas

P

p for ning seals

Cue for the bus

Q

q for snooker

‘Alf a mo

R

r for mo

It’s for you

S

s for midable

Tea for Two

T

t for two

Euphemism

U

u for mizzam

Vive la difference!

V

v for la france

Double you for a bob

W

w for quits

Eggs for breakfast

X

x for breakfast

Why for heaven’s sake?

Y

y for mistress

Zephyr breezes

Z

z for breezes


 

 

25 Pithy Political Aphorisms…

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
        – John Adams

2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
        – Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But then I repeat myself.
        – Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
        – Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
        – George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
        – G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
        – James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
        – Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
 


9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
          – P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
        Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
      If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.
        – Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts..
        – Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
        – P.J. O’Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
        – Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
        – Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
        – Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
        – Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
        – Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
        – Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
        – Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
        – Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class…save Congress.
        – Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
        – Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you